Top 10 (PG)

Top 10 Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories

1. The Da Vinci Code
2006
WHAT'S THE PLAN? More a cover-up than a conspiracy, it's all about protecting the secret that Jesus had a son and preventing his direct descendants from being exposed. This is done by killing anyone who gets wind of the millennia-old mystery. Annoyingly, symbolist Tom Hanks turns up with Nicholas Cage's hair and throws a giant spanner in the works.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Albino monk Silas (Paul Bettany) and a loopy fringe of Catholic enforcers, Opus Dei.
WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: According to the Vatican The Da Vinci Code is "full of calumnies, offences, and historical and theological errors". A load of papal bull, basically. Still, despite angering Opus Dei, upsetting a few million Catholics and baffling everyone else, this Dan Brown adaptation made over a bazillion dollars at the box-office. Even if you think Brown's the high priest of hokum, that's hard to argue with.
2. Zoolander
2001
WHAT'S THE PLAN? To brainwash a professional male model into assassinating the Prime Minister of Malaysia to stop the latter from banning cheap child labour and adding millions to the cost of creating high fashion for the masses.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Ex-Frankie Goes To Hollywood keytar player and fashion mogul Jacobim Mugatu (Will Ferrell).

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: As Maury Ballstein says, Mugatu is so hot he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. Unfortunately his choice of assassin is hopeless. Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) has the mental capacity of a chopstick and is in the middle of some complicated life-changing epiphanies. The plan fails dismally. Still, everyone laughed a lot. Apart from the Malaysians.
3. Eagle Eye
2008
WHAT'S THE PLAN? To destroy the Capitol, kill the executive branch and prevent errors of judgment by making the reliable Defence Secretary the US President. The scheme requires the unwitting involvement of young slacker Jerry (Shia LaBeouf), identical twin of an Air Force officer and thus only man able to voice-activate a series of insane plot devices involving the FBI, cranes, rogue traffic lights and a trumpet. The shady assailant is either mad or has a wry sense of humour.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Pentagon supercomputer-gone-rogue Ariia. It's Mr Skynet Goes To Washington.

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: Even supercomputers have an off switch - just ask HAL.
4. Capricorn One
1978
WHAT'S THE PLAN? To fake the Mars landing by staging the entire mission in a desert hanger hastily spray-painted in Martian red. The crew (O.J. Simpson, James Brolin and Sam Waterston) are told their families will be killed if they don't act suitably spaceman-y for the cameras and float around the capsule on cue. It's the moon landing conspiracy meets the Watergate fall-out, with paranoia turned up to (Apollo) 11.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? The nasty Dr James Kelloway (Hal Holbrook) and his budget-protecting NASA cronies. Surprisingly, the film was made with NASA help. Expect less cuddly conspirators in John Moore's upcoming remake.

WHY IT COULD NEVER WORK: Two years of faking it is going to test even Meg Ryan - besides, isn't someone going to want to see some actual data of the mission? "It was very nice" is hardly going to wash when the White House comes asking for a mission debrief. But perhaps the greatest crime here is in failing to send O.J. to Mars when they had the chance.
5. The Parallax View
1974
WHAT'S THE PLAN? The daddy of '70s conspiracy thrillers - like The Manchurian Candidate slugged up on the Watergate Hotel minibar - Parallax's presence here doesn't malign a genuinely chilling movie and an ambitious scheme. The malevolent Parallax Corporation, specialists in terror and assassination, will stop at nothing less than total political control. They are smarter than you, they know more than you and they have people everywhere. Which makes them a bit like the Google then.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Everyone's in on it. Or are they? Yes, they are.

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: As a metaphor for right-wing government, it kinda does - more "No you can't" than "Yes we can". In reality, though, the Parallax Corporation is far too competent to survive in the world of power politics.
6. Coma
1978
WHAT'S THE PLAN? To flog the organs of coma-induced hospital patients to the highest bidder, deterring suspicious types with a handful of henchmen and outlandish '70s synth noises. It's campfire paranoia reinvented as a potentially lucrative business model.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Surgeon Dr Harris (Richard Widmark) and the mysterious Jefferson Institution.

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: With the fatality rate for general surgery roughly 0.2%, it's going to look a bit suspicious if suddenly everyone emerges from the same operating theatre brain-dead.
7. JFK
1991
WHAT'S THE PLAN? To stop Kennedy withdrawing the US from Vietnam and dismantling the CIA by assassinating him as he tours through Dallas. A patsy will take the rap, the Vice-President will oversee the cover-up and no-one will be any the wiser. Apart from Oliver Stone.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? The Russians, Fidel Castro, the Mafia, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, the CIA, the FBI, the RAC, Doctor Octopus, Steve Winwood and Old Man Wilson, the janitor from Scooby Doo.

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: Even Stone describes the film as 'counter myth', designed as an extreme alternative to the suspiciously hole-riddled Warren Commission report. Besides, no-one could assassinate a President in broad daylight and get away with it. Could they?
8. The Eagle Has Landed
1976
WHAT'S THE PLAN? With the Germans getting monstered in the war, Himmler decides to assassinate Winston Churchill while he's weekending in Norfolk. A crack team of paratroopers, disguised as Poles and led by Iron Cross-decorated Colonel Steiner (Michael Caine), will be dropped into East Anglia where they are to make contact with twinkly IRA man Donald Sutherland. Churchill is to be gunned down by Steiner while enjoying an after-dinner cigar. It's Went The Day Well with The Day Of The Jackal sticky-taped to the end.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? The blasted Nazis. You can't trust those guys.

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: Michael Caine is a Cockney pretending to be a German pretending to a Pole. Norfolk locals are too confused to suspect anything. So far, so good. Unfortunately, his men are too nice for the job and the game is up when one is unmasked saving a child from drowning. It's far-fetched, but there are parallels with real life: Hitler plotted to kill Churchill in 1943 using Nazi agents to intercept the big man in Tangier. Once again, poor intel and ropey accents let the Nazis down.
9. The Pelican Brief
1993
WHAT'S THE PLAN? It's a Grisham/Pakula conspiracy mash-up, so it's going to be pulse-frazzlingly thrilling. Right? Wrong! An oil tycoon, with friends in the White House, wants to drill on environmentally-protected land that's home to some rare wildlife. This isn't a conspiracy; it's Sarah Palin's election campaign.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Shady oilman Victor Mattiece (who we never meet).

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: When Mattiece arranges the killing of a couple of pelican-loving Supreme Court Justices, he forgets that when you're an Alan Pakula villain, it's never about just the one or two cheeky assassinations; you're going to have to kill everyone. Plus, if you want to take down a crusading Julia Roberts and a flock of indignant pelicans, you're going to need a more convincing hitman than Stanley Tucci.
10. You Only Live Twice
1967
WHAT'S THE PLAN? To trigger World War 3 by space-napping US and Russian shuttles using only Georges Méliès' rocket ship, a volcano, an unnecessary monorail, 600 goons in overalls, a RADA-trained Japanese man to say 'Opening crater!', and a cat. Who's behind this unbelievably complex scheme? SPECTRE, of course, and some mysterious Asians with far too much cash.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE? Supervillain and part-time geologist Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Donald Pleasance).

WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK: Blofeld's plan is riddled with flaws. For one thing, the best possible outcome is the destruction of the entire planet. On a more positive note, he did stand to make enough money to pay for the volcano conversion and space program and have just enough left for cat food.
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